Archives for category: domestic violence

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In March, I started volunteering for the Raise Up Washington campaign by becoming a signature collector for Initiative 1433, which would help over one million Washingtonians by gradually increasing the minimum wage statewide and providing them with paid sick and safe leave.

Some of you might ask: didn’t we just raise the minimum wage in Washington?

No, not in the entire state. We only raised the minimum wage in Seattle and SeaTac to $15/hour. The rest of our state – from Olympia to Yakima and Bellingham to Vancouver – is still stuck with a dismal $9.47 minimum wage. This is hardly a livable income workers who are struggling to support themselves and their families.

I-1433 raises the minimum wage gradually over the next four years to $13.50 for all Washington workers. It also mandates that workers receive seven paid sick or safe days per calendar year (which equates to one hour of paid sick or safe leave per 40 hours worked).

For people who sometimes get sick or have to take care of sick loved ones (i.e., everyone), paid sick days are a lifesaver. Many of us take our sick days for granted, but 1 million Washington workers receive zero paid sick leave. Imagine being a single parent working a minimum wage job who has an ailing child and cannot afford childcare. This parent must make a ridiculous choice – do they leave the sick kid to fend for themselves in order to make ends meet? Or risk their job and lose vital income to stay home and care for their family?

No one should have to make this choice. And yet, people are forced to do so every day in this state. Because we simply don’t offer a living minimum wage to Washington workers.

Let’s talk about the incredible benefit that low-wage workers would receive with a minimum wage bump. For a family of three, the poverty wage is $9.65/hour. That’s 18 cents more than what we are paying the low wage workers in our state. Yikes! And without a living wage, these workers are sinking further and further away from the American dream (and the middle class).

But this is not only a class issue – it is a race and gender issue as well. Over 40% of Black and Latinx workers earn less than $13.50 an hour, and far more female workers than males earn minimum wage.

What about small business? Cries the voices from the back. Well, that’s a legitimate question with a (somewhat) simple answer. Research has proven that raising the minimum wage has NO discernible impact on employment levels – which means that employers are not forced to fire their workers because of a raised wage. This is the case because of a number of other means by which small employers can compensate for paying high wages – and yes, that often includes a minuscule increase (about 0.4%) in prices. But what you probably don’t know is that these same employers often enjoy the benefits of lower turnover rates and greater worker satisfaction because of a wage bump.

Safe leave is the least discussed component of I-1433, but is vitally important. Safe leave means paid time off for workers who are suffering from domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. They can use this time to move out of an abuser’s house, attend to issues in court, file restraining orders, work with law enforcement, to find a safe house, and much more – without losing work that they desperately need. The fact that we are not already providing these services to Washington state DV and rape victims appalls me.

When I was assaulted by my ex, I had to take time off from work because of physical and emotional trauma, to move out of my abuser’s home, and to go to court. I didn’t receive any pay for this time. It was only by the grace of my deeply generous family that I stayed afloat financially.

For many survivors of DV and rape, I-1433 could mean a real chance of escaping their abuser and/or getting justice. In this way, a vote for paid safe days is a bonafide lifesaver.

I commend the Raise Up Washington campaign, and I urge you to sign I-1433, so that the measure will appear on the ballot this fall. We need at least 250,000 signatures to qualify.

Look for volunteers all over the state collecting signatures, visit the Raise Up Washington headquarters, or get in touch with me directly – I’ll bring you the petition to sign! And come November, make your vote count by voting for working families.

For more, check out this KIRO news story about the campaign featuring yours truly. 😉

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While doing internet research yesterday, I found my way to the website of Washington state nonprofit Domestic Abuse Women’s Network (DAWN). Curious, I clicked on the link “Is my relationship abusive?” The page presented the following questions:

Do you feel…

  • Confused about your relationship?
  • Like you are going crazy?
  • That you are “walking on eggshells”?
  • It is hard for you to spend time with family or friends?
  • As if you can’t do anything right?
  • That your partner decides when and where you have sex?
  • Like you are in a relationship with two completely different people?
  • That you need to justify everything you do?
  • Drained?

Does your partner…

  • Call you names or put you down?
  • Want to know what you’re doing and who you’re with all the time?
  • Act extremely jealous?
  • Find excuses to keep you from getting enough sleep?
  • Push, shove, or grab you?
  • Keep you from leaving when you want to leave?
  • Force you to do things sexually you don’t feel comfortable doing?
  • Promise to change (get counseling, go to AA, etc.)?

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, when considering my last serious relationship. I didn’t even need to think twice before I wholeheartedly agreed with every single statement on the page, except for one (which was more of a half-truth).

Just as I have been many times since I was attacked by my ex-boyfriend (and subsequently came to the devastating realization that I was a victim of domestic violence, emotional abuse, and manipulation to the highest degree), I am dumbfounded by how stereotypical my DV experience was.

And as always, I wonder why I didn’t realize what was going on sooner. But that’s all part of being with an abusive person – it’s a constant battle between listening to your own logic and what you know is right in your heart of hearts, and listening the things that your partner tells you. The reality presented to me by my ex was one in which I was the most selfish, foolish, shameful, and undeserving person. He was “trying so hard to forgive me” for all of my many “sins,” but he just didn’t know if he could be strong enough to do so. I’ve always struggled with my self-confidence and self-worth, so it was easy to believe these things coming from the person who I was deeply in love with (not to mention living with).

Would I have left earlier if I had known what I know now? There’s no way to know for sure, but I’d like to think that the answer is yes. That’s why I challenge every person reading this post to consider their relationship with their partner. If you have any question in your mind whether it is abusive, please do yourself the incredible, possibly lifesaving, favor of learning more about what domestic abuse looks like.

If you are pondering whether or not you are involved in an abusive relationship, I suggest that you read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. This book is an incredible investigation of the mind of abusive and controlling men (please note: people who are in relationships with abusive women, as well as folks who are in same-sex relationships, can also gain a lot of valuable information from the book, but it is written primarily for cisgender women who are in abusive romantic relationships with cisgender men).

The incredibly strong and brave women that I met at my first DV support group meeting suggested this book to me. It changed my perspective on everything. It made me realize that I wasn’t crazy – that the horrible feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing, and isolation – along with the attachment I was feeling towards my abuser – were all normal things. More than normal in fact – they were the standard.

The more I read about domestic violence and abusive partners, the clearer the pattern becomes. I only wish that I could have recognized it earlier. But maybe, just maybe, sharing my story will help someone else do just that.

If you have any question in your mind about whether or not you are being controlled or abused – or you answered “yes” to any of the questions listed above – please take a harder look at your relationship. Read Bancroft’s book. If you can’t read it at home for fear of your partner, read it at the library or at work. Seek help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) to get your questions answered by a real human being who understands what you are going through.

Whatever you choose to do, remember first and foremost that you are worthy of true, unconditional love and you do not deserve to be abused (physically, mentally, emotionally, sexual, or in any other way) – no matter what your partner would have you believe.

For immediate assistance, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE
TTY: 1-800-787-3224