survivor

I was having a shitty morning. One of those comedy of errors mornings when you run from one bus stop to another and another and miss the bus by 10 seconds each time. Eventually I landed on the floor of the light rail, sitting dejectedly and about ready to just give up and go home.

Waiting for the train, I opened up Facebook like the social media zombie that I am, and got a notification about a “memory” from a year ago. Because, you know, “Facebook cares about the memories that I share.” Right.

More often than you would imagine, these end up being a photo of me and someone I am no longer close to, resulting in a twinge of sadness or a rush of unexpected reminiscence. But today my notification brought me something beautiful.

It reminded me that I am two years free of my violent ex today. That’s 24 months/104 weeks/730 days.

This second year was a lot easier than the first.

Within the first year of experiencing DV, the majority of survivors become extremely depressed (check), cannot get out of bed (check), lose their job (check), and lose friends who aren’t willing to deal with the emotional baggage (check).

The women I met who have been through domestic violence situations (or are still in them) are incredibly resilient and courageous. They come from all walks of life and live with very different circumstances. Some were abused physically, some financially, some mentally. Many had their lives threatened. Most have kids with their abusers and thus have to deal with those fuckers on a regular basis. But every single one of them possesses a will to fight back against the slow and methodical erasure that comes from living with an abuser.

One of my survivor friends sent me a meme that was so simple and yet so profound that it blew me away. It said something along the lines of: “Every day, I wake up grateful that you aren’t here to ruin it for me.”

Damn right. I am lucky that I could get out – but I am also brave and strong for knowing that I deserve better. I am grateful for this strength and the people who surrounded me with love and shelter back then, and who continue to support me now that I’m back to “normal.”

I have a great career, fabulous friends, a wonderful family, and I live in a beautiful place. I’m physically fitter than ever and emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been before. Although I still fall into the same old trap of feeling unworthy at times, I have better tools to deal with these thoughts now.

Most of all, I’ve given up trying to please others as much as I used to, or doing things because I feel like I’m “supposed to.” I do things that I want to do, because they feel right. I date who I want, write what I want, dress how I like, and say what feels meaningful to me. I do my best to let go of people who don’t respect me and relationships that don’t serve me. I hold the love of my family and friends in my heart.

I’m truly grateful for all that I’ve been given, all that I’ve worked for, and the possibilities that lie ahead. Thank you for sharing this journey with me ❤